a smattering of thoughts on gut feelings

I recently accepted an offer to a PhD program and have been reflecting on the journey that led me to this point. I keep coming back to the idea of ‘gut feeling.’ This is one of the first times in my life I can say that gut feelings, and following those gut feelings, were the only way I arrived here.

It reminds me of The Alchemist, when he checks the stones for a sign once, and then is on his way. He trusts the Universe and does not consult the stones again. In the past, I have always asked for signs, and continued to ask for signs. The idea in the The Alchemist, and what I think happened in this instance, is a sign is presented, trusted, and followed to its fullest extent. It’s counterproductive to look for a sign every step of the way and continually second-guess. Even this post has worked that way–I had the idea for a few days, was not sure how I wanted to articulate it, then had to get out of bed the other night to scribble a draft.

One rainy morning this fall, I was miserable going into work and trying to think of any way I could make a career change. The thought of a PhD popped into my head, and I Google-searched that +Michigan. My family goes camping in Michigan every year and it has always been one of my favorite places.

The funny part of this is that I have always been resistant to getting my PhD. During the first year of my school psychology program, my faculty mentor floated the idea of a PhD and I had no interest. She thought I would be a good fit and encouraged me to think about it. I can say I certainly did not think about it, wanting only to finish the program and start working in schools. Flash forward three years and she totally called it.

I clicked on the first result that came up on my Google search and looked at the program website and faculty. The first faculty member was conducting research that was right up my alley and it seemed too good to be true. I assumed everyone’s research would appeal to me, just because there was no way this first person I stumbled upon was the perfect fit for my interests.

Then, I tried to talk myself out of this whole idea. It would be hard, I’d be back on a student budget, I’d have homework again, etc. I tried to convince myself I had a good job, making good money (which is true), and working is a means to an end. I don’t have to love it, I can continue what I’m doing and do things I enjoy in my free time. Obviously, none of this worked and the idea of a PhD was stuck in the back of my mind. I backtracked and looked at other programs across the country and all kinds of different research areas. Nevertheless, the first university I had stumbled upon was still my first choice.

I applied to three programs and was invited to interview at all three. I heard back from the other two schools first and ended up cancelling the interviews I had accepted. As cliche as it sounds, I didn’t like the vibe I got from one phone interview, and felt like something was off with the other one. I almost withdrew my third application, but left it just to see what would happen. I had a phone interview first and could not believe how excited I was just hearing about the program and what the next five years could look like.

The interview day lasted ten hours from start to finish and I was beaming within the first ten minutes. I felt like I was meant to be there and I was not nervous at all–which is rare for me. I can’t explain how laidback I felt and kept having the thought “this is for me.” I had the most authentic interview I have ever had, and I think a big part of that was I decided beforehand that I was going to be as genuine as possible. I didn’t need to get in, I didn’t need the job, I wanted to be sure it was right for me. I talked about the things that excited me and received a compliment about my energy. My second interviewer forgot she was interviewing me, missed our time slot, and had to come back to the building at the end of the day. My brain was fried and our interview was more of a chat, with a lot of jokes. I swore at one point. After, I decided if I was too much of something (based on my enthusiastic raised voice and not-so-appropriate language), it wasn’t somewhere I was supposed to be anyway.

Lo and behold, I got in. I ended up exactly where my frenzied search began in September. I think it’s the coolest thing ever, and I chalk it up to following what feels good. I told my first interviewer (who was also the first faculty member whose research I had looked at months before) that I am really into gut feelings and my gut feeling about this program was that it was the perfect fit for me. Apparently he agreed.